The Comfort Fallacy

Ah, "comfort food".  Most of us have certain foods that bring on that feeling of warm contentment and happiness. It's these foods that we turn to when we're feeling really depressed, or particularly stressed, or even lonely and bored.  What your comfort foods might be differ greatly from person to person.  A few of mine:

Chicken and Dumplings. Fettuccine Alfredo (complete with a large slice of garlic bread.). Enchiladas. Chicken Noodle Soup.  Chocolate.  Mmmmmm.

My mouth is watering just looking at this picture.

Just thinking about comfort foods can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  They provide a nice pick-me-up to get you going again when you've had a particularly hard week, or even a rough day.

Except for addicts, like me.

For me, these foods have become a crutch. A way to shove aside the emotional issues and avoid dealing with them because they are too scary and too painful to face. And over time, the crutch becomes a shield, an attempt to keep any of those experiences from ever hurting me again.  But at the same time, the shield is also keeping me from enjoying my life in the full, wonderful way that I could be. Don't get me wrong - I have a wonderful, loving husband.  I have fabulous beautiful children.  But I know that I'm not present for them fully the way that I should be, and I can't allow myself to continue on in this way.

What's funny is, I've come to realize that each of those foods listed above is directly connected to one of the issues I've avoided dealing with all along.  So while I'm eating it, it may make me feel good for a short while, but it also invariably brings up a painful memory that I don't want to deal with. Which makes me need something else. So I move on to the next food.  Same thing. So I grab something else. It goes on and on until I'm in full binge mode, desperately trying to fill some hole or mask some pain in my soul instead of turning and facing the issues.

I hope, by now, you've realized I write all of this in the present tense.  I make no false claims of being someone who is healed from her past.  I make no false claims of having even begun to heal.  The truth is that I hope this blog will be a healing journey for me.  I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done.  I'm going to face my demons.  Publicly.  Not only because I need your support, but because I hope that maybe, just maybe by doing things this way I can help someone who is like me, or help stop someone before they become like me.  The next few posts will deal with my listed foods one by one, and the memories associated with them.  Some of what I'm going to talk about may be painful to read (it will certainly be painful to write), and I advise you to read with caution.

Until next time, lovies.

Not the Best

It hasn't been the best week as far as willpower goes.  I've had Wendy's.  Twice. Luckily, it seems that I've gotten it all out of my system for now. Tonight I ordered the kids pizza, but I had a veggie sandwich instead, and I totally avoided buying chocolate at the grocery last night, even though I desperately wanted to.  I've also been drinking water with a shot of Mio (no calorie flavoring for water) instead of diet soda.  I guess that means it hasn't been too awful, but I still feel like a big, fat, failure for grabbing that Wendy's.  It's one of my worst indulgences, and I know better.

I bought an interesting book this week as well - it's called "Body Clutter" and it's by The Flylady, Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely and so far it's very good. It is essentially a book that encourages you (through exercises and journaling assignments throughout the book) to deal with the emotional issues behind food addiction and weight issues. It is by far one of the most intelligent approaches I've ever seen, and it helps that it has the weight of a professional nutritionist behind it.  I plan to post some of the journal entries here on the blog as I work through the book.

I know my blog isn't particularly funny or snarky, which is what so many people seem to want these days, but it is truthful. I hope that you'll share it, so that others who are going through the same issues I am can read and realize that they're not alone in this struggle for a better, healthier life.

Decisions Shape Destiny

I've heard it said that "addiction is the only disease that tells us we're not sick."  Except that, at least in the case of a food addiction, that's not necessarily true. Anorexics feel it when their blood sugar is dropping so low that they are passing out. Bulimics feel it when they're literally making themselves sick. People like me feel it the minute we're done with a binge. It most definitely feels sick. Even in the midst of a binge I can feel it; it's a totally out of control "holy crap I can't stop myself" feeling. It's that "if I don't find another piece of chocolate RIGHT NOW I'm going to go insane" feeling. There is no part of that that tells me I'm not sick.

No, food addiction is sneaky. It doesn't tell us we aren't sick - it tells us that it is impossible for us to get better. After all, you can't just avoid food, right? It's a part of our lives whether we like it or not, and so every day hundreds or thousands of people go through their lives believing that there is nothing they can do about their obsession. It's got them fooled. Of course you can get better. You just have to make the right choices. Any addiction is all about choices, and knowing yourself.

In my case, I have certain foods that will trigger an out of control binge. I also have little habits that I know are part of my obsession with food - finishing the food my children leave on their plates for example (don't want to throw food away), or eating when I'm nervous or especially emotional. I have to make conscious choices every day, no matter how badly I might want that Wendy's trip, or no matter how loudly I hear my mother's voice in my head screaming about starving children in Africa to NOT make those choices. I've taught my children to clear their own plates (with the oldest helping the little ones) as soon as they are done eating. When Wendy's is screaming my name from down the road, I do everything I can to keep my attention focused on something else. I'll put in some music that I absolutely love and turn to writing, for example.

I've seen many food addiction blogs that tell people they can deal with their cravings by substituting some other food that is "close" for the preferred item, or by eating a tiny portion of what they are craving. This is absolute crap as far as I'm concerned. If you're like me, something else just won't work - my brain is craving ice cream not yogurt, and no amount of frozen yogurt is going to work. And eating that one tiny piece of chocolate is enough to send me over the edge. You can't buy just one small piece - you have to buy a whole bag of them. And having that whole bag in the house when a craving hits is asking for trouble. It's like keeping a bottle of wine for special occasions around in a house with an alcoholic. You just don't do it.

The choice is mine every day - to take a bite of chocolate when I know it may trigger a craving/binge cycle or leave it alone. To open the cabinet when I walk by to get a drink of water, or to leave it shut. To open the fridge when I'm getting ice for my soda or to leave it shut. Even better is the choice to keep those things out of my house altogether so that if I do open the cabinet,  fridge, or freezer looking for something to eat, I'm not going to find one of those foods there. And even calling my husband won't work - because he loves me and he knows better than to indulge me when I ask for those things now. He knows that for me "once in awhile" foods have become an obsession, one that I'm trying to break for the sake of our children. He'll tell me that he loves me, and he'll tell me no as lovingly as possible. And then we'll talk about the emotional issue that is *really* causing the problem at that moment.

I've made these choices so that I can get better. What choices are you making today?