See, I wasn't expecting how difficult this was going to be. How scary. How much buried pain and hurt was going to be dredged up. Even thinking about it was enough to send me into a near-panic. The truth is, I've hidden behind my shields for so long, I really don't want to give them up. But, I know that I have to if I want to change my life. I desperately want to change my life. I want to change for my husband. I want to change for my children. Most of all, I desperately want to change for myself.
So here it goes.
The first on my list of comfort foods is chicken and dumplings. Mmmmmm. Chicken, vegetables, and oh-so-soft and bready dumplings all in a rich broth. My mouth waters just thinking about it.
C'mon you know that looks delicious
When I was growing up, the only time I got to each chicken and dumplings was on special occasions, when my mother, stepfather and I were on a long trip to see the extended family. These long trips almost always included a stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch or dinner, and I almost always got the chicken and dumplings. Both the rarity of the trip to see family and the rarity of eating out bound these memories up in a haze of excitement and happiness.
....with and undercurrent of absolute dread.
When I was younger my stepfather was an alcoholic. And he was a mean, angry drunk. My mother was the focus of his rages - but in turn I became the focus of her anger as well. One particular trip when I was in high school was especially painful. I had gotten a speeding ticket a few months before, and I was still grounded (my parents grounded me from my vehicle for 3 months after that ticket), which means as far as my mom was concerned I was the fodder for every speed and "in a hurry" joke in the world. I was already embarrassed enough over the incident - my name had appeared in the paper and everything, which means that I was getting it from my teachers and friends at school, too. It didn't help that the week after I got my speeding ticket, my stepfather went out and bought a radar detector for his car, a clear case of "Do as I say, not as I do."
On this particular Thanksgiving trip, we skipped our usual Cracker Barrel trip in the interest of saving time and money. I was horribly disappointed, but when we arrived at my aunt's house that evening, she had made chicken and dumplings for us for dinner - knowing it was my favorite! I was so excited (and hungry), and I was happily eating away while my aunt and uncle caught up with my parents. Then, my stomach sunk with dread as my mother mentioned my speeding ticket in the conversation. Once. Twice. A third time. And brought it up again. And joked about it while "playfully" patting me on the back. Again. And again. Each time she mentioned it I think I sunk a little farther into my chair. I became hyper-focused on that bowl of chicken and dumplings. I ate to block out their conversation, to block out the emptiness that was filling my stomach, to hide the tears that were filling my eyes. Until suddenly I almost choked on a spoonful when my aunt (who is almost never angry) slammed her hand down on the counter and shouted:
"SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S SPEEDING TICKET ALREADY!"
She proceeded to take my mother to task, outlining the various driving infractions of my same-age cousin (several tickets and 2 wrecked vehicles) and how embarrassing that was for *them* given her husband works in law enforcement. She railed about how they don't even mention them any more because he'd already been punished, and that was enough. She told my mother she didn't want to hear her speaking another word about it to any family member for the rest of the trip.
One look at my mother's face and heart sank into my feet, and I promptly went into the bathroom and got sick.
You see, I was incredibly grateful to my aunt for wanting to end my misery. Except that she didn't end it at all. I could tell by the look on my mother's face that as far as she was concerned, this outburst from my aunt was MY fault - that my actions in the past had somehow managed to ruin this evening and this trip for her. After all, if I had never gotten that speeding ticket, she would not have been talking about it, and she would not be the focus of my aunt's anger now. As far as she was concerned this was one more item to add to her list of things that made me a "challenging" child.
So there you have it.
Happiness
Excitement
Dread
Relief
Sadness
All the emotions that are tied up in a simple meal of chicken and dumplings.
