Welcome to 2013!

Hi guys!  Been a long time since I've posted, I know. Life gets busy, writing gets hard, and sometimes we just feel the need to hide from the better self that we're working so hard to become. That was me, last year. I started the Facebook page, started this blog, and started writing about difficult stuff. And my brain went into survival "I don't want to deal with this" mode, and I ran away. Plain and simple.

Shhh.... I'm hiding....

I have several goals for the next year. I detest the word "resolutions" because let's face it; no one keeps their New Year's resolutions. So, these are goals. Something to strive towards, and work for. First, I'm going to be posting here no less than twice a week, Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. The posts will look something like this:

Monday Madness - what craziness my life has brought me. This could be a post about binge eating, weird meal choices, insane cravings, or whatever other madness is happening in my world.

Grati-Thursday - This is a term coined on a GREAT blog, "The Klonopin Chronicles." I highly recommend you check her out. She and Katy over at I Want a Dumpster Baby have taught me that gratitude is essential to becoming the best version of myself. So on Thursdays my post will be devoted to gratitude.

Sweet Saturday - Dedicated to celebrating whatever successes I've had in the past week. Or maybe chocolate. Or cake.   Mmmmm....cake....

So that's what the blog will look like from here on out. There may be more posting going on than what's listed, of course; not everything that I write will have a place on those three days. But I will post at least a minimum of those three days a week in order to help myself stay on track and present on this page. I'm looking forward to this year, guys, and I hope that you are too.  What goals did you set for yourself this year?

I'm Walking into Mordor to Destroy the Ring of Power

I have a confession to make, and since this blog is my confessional, what better place to do it, right?

I am a total nerd. Not geek, because geeks are the new "cool". I'm nowhere near cool. I'm a nerd. I was nearly in tears last night because I couldn't go see the 25th Anniversary Star Trek: TNG event in my local theater. Yeah - I'm *that* kind of nerd. I used to play role-playing games with my friends, I love video games, and I'm a huge fan of all things Tolkien.  That's why when Steve Kamb of Nerd Fitness posted "A Hobbits Guide to Walking" this morning, I was immediately hooked with the idea. Follow Frodo and Sam on their epic journey to destroy the Ring of Power? Hell yes, where do I sign up?

As you all know, I'm one week into my journey to health. I began with switching to a Paleo/Primal lifestyle. Now, I am going to add walking and a body weight circuit to the journey as well. In other words, what started a week ago as a diet change has truly become a journey. If you're interested in seeing the body weight exercises I'm doing you can find the workout here.

The journey will be difficult, long, and filled with perils. I don't have Black Riders, barrow wights, and the One Ring to contend with. My Black Riders are the many opportunities to "cheat" that present themselves along this journey. I met my first last night when my husband offered me his oil-popped, ranch seasoning covered popcorn. I managed to avoid that one with the help of a large, ice-cold bottle of water and a carrot. Did it taste as good as the popcorn? No. But it was certainly a better choice than heeding the call of my personal Black Rider and slipping on my old One Ring to disappear into that bowl of goodness.  Barrow wights are my own negative voices. You know, those thoughts in my head that are constantly screaming at me that I can't do this, begging me to give into the cravings and just do the easy thing and eat that ice cream, buy that chocolate, snitch that Pop-Tart.

That leaves one thing: the One Ring. My One Ring should be obvious. Just as Frodo craves the One Ring, covets it, and even grows to *need* it - I feel that way about certain foods. Chocolate. Processed crap like pizza rolls, jalapeno poppers, and fried Chinese dumplings. I must learn to resist the whispering of these foods. I must do the most difficult thing I've ever done and "destroy" them - eliminate them from my life, as well as all of the cravings, negative thoughts, self-loathing, and self-hatred that they bring up in me. I must resist the whisperings of my inner voices telling me how sweet that extra 45 minutes of sleep will be instead of exercising. We all know that those extra 45 minutes are usually spent laying in bed checking email or Facebook on your phone, stressing about what you have to do that day, or laying there with your eyes closed drowning in guilt because you *didn't* get up.

So today's the day. I'm leaving Bag End. I'm walking into Mordor to destroy this old lifestyle and the power it has held over my life.

Chicken and Dumplings

So, in my last post I brazenly said that I was going to write about each of my comfort foods and the bittersweet memories associated with those foods. Ever since then I've been avoiding writing in this blog like the plague.

See, I wasn't expecting how difficult this was going to be. How scary. How much buried pain and hurt was going to be dredged up. Even thinking about it was enough to send me into a near-panic. The truth is, I've hidden behind my shields for so long, I really don't want to give them up. But, I know that I have to if I want to change my life. I desperately want to change my life. I want to change for my husband. I want to change for my children. Most of all, I desperately want to change for myself.

So here it goes.

The first on my list of comfort foods is chicken and dumplings. Mmmmmm. Chicken, vegetables, and oh-so-soft and bready dumplings all in a rich broth. My mouth waters just thinking about it.

C'mon you know that looks delicious

When I was growing up, the only time I got to each chicken and dumplings was on special occasions, when my mother, stepfather and I were on a long trip to see the extended family. These long trips almost always included a stop at Cracker Barrel for lunch or dinner, and I almost always got the chicken and dumplings. Both the rarity of the trip to see family and the rarity of eating out bound these memories up in a haze of excitement and happiness.

....with and undercurrent of absolute dread.

When I was younger my stepfather was an alcoholic. And he was a mean, angry drunk. My mother was the focus of his rages - but in turn I became the focus of her anger as well. One particular trip when I was in high school was especially painful. I had gotten a speeding ticket a few months before, and I was still grounded (my parents grounded me from my vehicle for 3 months after that ticket), which means as far as my mom was concerned I was the fodder for every speed and "in a hurry" joke in the world. I was already embarrassed enough over the incident - my name had appeared in the paper and everything, which means that I was getting it from my teachers and friends at school, too. It didn't help that the week after I got my speeding ticket, my stepfather went out and bought a radar detector for his car, a clear case of "Do as I say, not as I do."

On this particular Thanksgiving trip, we skipped our usual Cracker Barrel trip in the interest of saving time and money. I was horribly disappointed, but when we arrived at my aunt's house that evening, she had made chicken and dumplings for us for dinner - knowing it was my favorite! I was so excited (and hungry), and I was happily eating away while my aunt and uncle caught up with my parents. Then, my stomach sunk with dread as my mother mentioned my speeding ticket in the conversation. Once. Twice. A third time. And brought it up again. And joked about it while "playfully" patting me on the back. Again.  And again. Each time she mentioned it I think I sunk a little farther into my chair. I became hyper-focused on that bowl of chicken and dumplings. I ate to block out their conversation, to block out the emptiness that was filling my stomach, to hide the tears that were filling my eyes. Until suddenly I almost choked on a spoonful when my aunt (who is almost never angry) slammed her hand down on the counter and shouted:

"SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER'S SPEEDING TICKET ALREADY!"

She proceeded to take my mother to task, outlining the various driving infractions of my same-age cousin (several tickets and 2 wrecked vehicles) and how embarrassing that was for *them* given her husband works in law enforcement. She railed about how they don't even mention them any more because he'd already been punished, and that was enough. She told my mother she didn't want to hear her speaking another word about it to any family member for the rest of the trip.

One look at my mother's face and heart sank into my feet, and I promptly went into the bathroom and got sick.

You see, I was incredibly grateful to my aunt for wanting to end my misery. Except that she didn't end it at all. I could tell by the look on my mother's face that as far as she was concerned, this outburst from my aunt was MY fault - that my actions in the past had somehow managed to ruin this evening and this trip for her. After all, if I had never gotten that speeding ticket, she would not have been talking about it, and she would not be the focus of my aunt's anger now. As far as she was concerned this was one more item to add to her list of things that made me a "challenging" child.

So there you have it.

Happiness

Excitement

Dread

Relief

Sadness

All the emotions that are tied up in a simple meal of chicken and dumplings.

The Comfort Fallacy

Ah, "comfort food".  Most of us have certain foods that bring on that feeling of warm contentment and happiness. It's these foods that we turn to when we're feeling really depressed, or particularly stressed, or even lonely and bored.  What your comfort foods might be differ greatly from person to person.  A few of mine:

Chicken and Dumplings. Fettuccine Alfredo (complete with a large slice of garlic bread.). Enchiladas. Chicken Noodle Soup.  Chocolate.  Mmmmmm.

My mouth is watering just looking at this picture.

Just thinking about comfort foods can make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.  They provide a nice pick-me-up to get you going again when you've had a particularly hard week, or even a rough day.

Except for addicts, like me.

For me, these foods have become a crutch. A way to shove aside the emotional issues and avoid dealing with them because they are too scary and too painful to face. And over time, the crutch becomes a shield, an attempt to keep any of those experiences from ever hurting me again.  But at the same time, the shield is also keeping me from enjoying my life in the full, wonderful way that I could be. Don't get me wrong - I have a wonderful, loving husband.  I have fabulous beautiful children.  But I know that I'm not present for them fully the way that I should be, and I can't allow myself to continue on in this way.

What's funny is, I've come to realize that each of those foods listed above is directly connected to one of the issues I've avoided dealing with all along.  So while I'm eating it, it may make me feel good for a short while, but it also invariably brings up a painful memory that I don't want to deal with. Which makes me need something else. So I move on to the next food.  Same thing. So I grab something else. It goes on and on until I'm in full binge mode, desperately trying to fill some hole or mask some pain in my soul instead of turning and facing the issues.

I hope, by now, you've realized I write all of this in the present tense.  I make no false claims of being someone who is healed from her past.  I make no false claims of having even begun to heal.  The truth is that I hope this blog will be a healing journey for me.  I'm about to do the scariest thing I've ever done.  I'm going to face my demons.  Publicly.  Not only because I need your support, but because I hope that maybe, just maybe by doing things this way I can help someone who is like me, or help stop someone before they become like me.  The next few posts will deal with my listed foods one by one, and the memories associated with them.  Some of what I'm going to talk about may be painful to read (it will certainly be painful to write), and I advise you to read with caution.

Until next time, lovies.

Not the Best

It hasn't been the best week as far as willpower goes.  I've had Wendy's.  Twice. Luckily, it seems that I've gotten it all out of my system for now. Tonight I ordered the kids pizza, but I had a veggie sandwich instead, and I totally avoided buying chocolate at the grocery last night, even though I desperately wanted to.  I've also been drinking water with a shot of Mio (no calorie flavoring for water) instead of diet soda.  I guess that means it hasn't been too awful, but I still feel like a big, fat, failure for grabbing that Wendy's.  It's one of my worst indulgences, and I know better.

I bought an interesting book this week as well - it's called "Body Clutter" and it's by The Flylady, Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely and so far it's very good. It is essentially a book that encourages you (through exercises and journaling assignments throughout the book) to deal with the emotional issues behind food addiction and weight issues. It is by far one of the most intelligent approaches I've ever seen, and it helps that it has the weight of a professional nutritionist behind it.  I plan to post some of the journal entries here on the blog as I work through the book.

I know my blog isn't particularly funny or snarky, which is what so many people seem to want these days, but it is truthful. I hope that you'll share it, so that others who are going through the same issues I am can read and realize that they're not alone in this struggle for a better, healthier life.

Decisions Shape Destiny

I've heard it said that "addiction is the only disease that tells us we're not sick."  Except that, at least in the case of a food addiction, that's not necessarily true. Anorexics feel it when their blood sugar is dropping so low that they are passing out. Bulimics feel it when they're literally making themselves sick. People like me feel it the minute we're done with a binge. It most definitely feels sick. Even in the midst of a binge I can feel it; it's a totally out of control "holy crap I can't stop myself" feeling. It's that "if I don't find another piece of chocolate RIGHT NOW I'm going to go insane" feeling. There is no part of that that tells me I'm not sick.

No, food addiction is sneaky. It doesn't tell us we aren't sick - it tells us that it is impossible for us to get better. After all, you can't just avoid food, right? It's a part of our lives whether we like it or not, and so every day hundreds or thousands of people go through their lives believing that there is nothing they can do about their obsession. It's got them fooled. Of course you can get better. You just have to make the right choices. Any addiction is all about choices, and knowing yourself.

In my case, I have certain foods that will trigger an out of control binge. I also have little habits that I know are part of my obsession with food - finishing the food my children leave on their plates for example (don't want to throw food away), or eating when I'm nervous or especially emotional. I have to make conscious choices every day, no matter how badly I might want that Wendy's trip, or no matter how loudly I hear my mother's voice in my head screaming about starving children in Africa to NOT make those choices. I've taught my children to clear their own plates (with the oldest helping the little ones) as soon as they are done eating. When Wendy's is screaming my name from down the road, I do everything I can to keep my attention focused on something else. I'll put in some music that I absolutely love and turn to writing, for example.

I've seen many food addiction blogs that tell people they can deal with their cravings by substituting some other food that is "close" for the preferred item, or by eating a tiny portion of what they are craving. This is absolute crap as far as I'm concerned. If you're like me, something else just won't work - my brain is craving ice cream not yogurt, and no amount of frozen yogurt is going to work. And eating that one tiny piece of chocolate is enough to send me over the edge. You can't buy just one small piece - you have to buy a whole bag of them. And having that whole bag in the house when a craving hits is asking for trouble. It's like keeping a bottle of wine for special occasions around in a house with an alcoholic. You just don't do it.

The choice is mine every day - to take a bite of chocolate when I know it may trigger a craving/binge cycle or leave it alone. To open the cabinet when I walk by to get a drink of water, or to leave it shut. To open the fridge when I'm getting ice for my soda or to leave it shut. Even better is the choice to keep those things out of my house altogether so that if I do open the cabinet,  fridge, or freezer looking for something to eat, I'm not going to find one of those foods there. And even calling my husband won't work - because he loves me and he knows better than to indulge me when I ask for those things now. He knows that for me "once in awhile" foods have become an obsession, one that I'm trying to break for the sake of our children. He'll tell me that he loves me, and he'll tell me no as lovingly as possible. And then we'll talk about the emotional issue that is *really* causing the problem at that moment.

I've made these choices so that I can get better. What choices are you making today?

Hi, my name is...

Jeanine, and I'm a food addict. Whether you care to believe those words or not is up to you. For me, they are a reality. For me food is more than fuel. Certain types of food can send me on a crave-binge-loathe roller coaster for days. One bite is all it takes. Sometimes just the SMELL of certain foods can do it.

Chocolate
Fast Food (especially Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches with a bowl of chili on the side)
Chinese potstickers
Lasagna (all that cheese... ohmygoodness)

There are others, but those are my Big Four. The ones that I could inhale heapfuls of every day without blinking. And eating just one bite - just one - can lead to craving them again and again for days. Just writing about them makes me want to send my husband on a Wendy's run right now.

The food addiction goes beyond craving certain foods, however. It comes with a desperate desire to hide how much I'm eating. I'll sit with my family at dinner and eat a modest amount.  Then later, when everyone is asleep, or occupied doing something else, I'll head back into the kitchen under the guise of say... doing the dishes... and clean off whatever my kids left on their plates. I manifests in the form of sneaking pieces of Halloween candy into the bathroom with me and devouring them, then burying the wrappers in the trash can, or flushing them down the toilet so no one will know. It rears its ugly head in the way that I'm thinking about what I'm going to make for breakfast as I lay down to go to sleep at night, and that I'm thinking about dinner before I've sat down to eat lunch. The next meal or snack is never far from my thoughts.

If that doesn't sound like an addict to you, then I don't know what will.